“Hiking The John Muir~Letting Go Of Mothering” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

My 17-year-old son leaves today for a 200-mile hike across the Sierra Nevada mountain range of California, starting in Yosemite, hiking through Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks to end 20 days later at Mount Whitney. Some of you may know this trail as the famous John Muir. He will be hiking with his grandfather and I’m sure my father will not miss an opportunity to share his wisdom and passion for life with my son. This is a grand adventure- a coming of age journey for my son.

I have helped my son to prepare all the supplies he will need for his trip. I have packed his first aid kit with everything I can possibly imagine him needing. I have written a letter and stuffed it at the bottom of his huge backpack. I have checked and double checked that he has enough food to last the journey. He is prepared!

It signifies his entering into manhood. It means he is an adult and no longer my little boy to protect, guide, and watch over. But no one has prepared me to let go.

Letting go in my line of work is a positive thing; something one strives for. But for me this letting go is anything but easy. I don’t want to let go! I don’t want him to venture off into the big unknown. I don’t want him to face trials and tribulations. Not because I’m scared for him. No, he will do just fine. I’m scared for me…

I am not ready to let go of my role as his mother. I am not ready to let him live his life without my daily, watchful eye. I am not ready to let go! As a matter of fact- I’m terrified! And just think, I have three more kids to go through this process with. 

So why does it terrify me? Not because of him becoming a man. I know the whole coming of age saga- I’ve already done that. I get the identity formation process and the decreased need for dependence and the transition to mature interdependence. But I have never had to choose to let go of something or someone that I love more than life itself. 

Precious people have been taken from me, have passed on and I have lived through the grief process. This is different- I am supposed to willingly (even gratefully) let go of my son. No! That doesn’t seem fair! I want to see his smiling face everyday. I want to hear his stories everyday. I want to bug, nag, hug, scold, spoil, listen, and watch him EVERYDAY! In my opinion, adulthood should start when we as parents no longer want to be bothered with the monotonous tasks of parenthood. I’m not there yet! 

Can I let go and hold into him simultaneously? Can I go on his adventures with him? I have my own backpack. Can I go away to college with him? Would the dorms let me set up my air mattress permanently on his floor? I’ll pay rent.

I have no map for our relationship after today. This is unchartered territory for us both. Our relationship will never be the same. Of course, I will always be his mother but my role and involvement in his life from this moment on will be different. And this is what scares me.

When my son was just a chubby, happy baby, people used to say, “Treasure every minute because before you know it, it will be gone”. I really listened! I thought I was a conscientious, present parent. I thought I was “remembering” his growth and accomplishments with saved photos and framed drawings. But today, on this cusp, I realize that no one could have prepared me for how fast he grew, matured, transformed from baby to man. And no one could have prepared me for this mixture of emotions: pride in the man he has turned out to be, gratitude for the time we’ve had, and longing to holding his chubby toddler hand in mine. 

In a class, years ago, a wise teacher said, “all change is loss, it requires us to grieve, even if it is good and expected – change is hard”. I feel like I finally get it (yes, I’m a slow learner). 

So I ask you, those of you who have gone before me- how do you transition from mom of a child to mom of a man? How do I let go when I so badly want to hold on?

– by Lily Maino, M.S.

“Love Is Not Enough” – by Dave Wieland

I recently watched the last few minutes of the TV show, “House”, in which Dr. Lisa Cuddy tells her romantic interest, Dr. Gregory House, words to the effect, “you may love me, but I need someone who cares about me”. To say love is not enough, that it takes more than love to sustain a relationship is almost heresy. What more do you need for a relationship than two people who love each other? The more I thought about it, the more I found myself agreeing with the statement.

I have been married for more than 47 years now to the same women.  There have been many ups and downs along the way. I had always thought of the longevity of our marriage in terms of the amount of hard work each of us was willing to put into the effort of dealing with the many trials and tribulations that assail a normal marriage much less the major crises. It is not an easy thing to manage the workload of two people coming together to actually live as a married couple, sharing the same space and now the added burden of managing your work life, maybe putting your work life on hold to raise a family, buying cars, buying a house, and yes, looking to the future of a retirement together. Caring about the person you are married to never entered into my equation of the hard work that it took to reach this point in our marriage. However, the more I considered that statement about needing a person that cares about me, the more I believed that it was the key to making a marriage work above and beyond loving each other.

If you were to randomly sample a hundred people and ask them to describe “being in love” with another person, you would no doubt get a hundred different descriptions. I’m going to give you my description of what being in love is like. Being in love is a deep and passionate romantic feeling that you really like this person and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. You can’t imagine this person not being part of every day of the rest of your life. You enjoy being with them, listening to them, going to movies together, out to dinner together, to concerts, parties, sporting events, doing everything including sharing your intimacy. In other words, you enjoy the fun parts of a relationship between two people, without all the trials and tribulations of the daily humdrum of married life.

“I need you to care about me” seems to speak to the time-frame of a relationship when the courting and falling in love portion is over and the day-to-day married life takes over. The time when you find that you are no longer two single people, but two people who are now combined into a married couple with competing careers, same and different interests, different work schedules, a growing family, and conflicts that you never explored in the romantic “in love” phase of your relationship.

We have all heard older married couples talk about their marriage in words something like this: “Our love just grew stronger and deeper with the years”. I think what they are describing is when their love grew from the fun phase into the caring about each other phase.

It is time that you consciously or unconsciously understand that this is a relationship of two equal people, you and your spouse, and that you must share the workload and be partners in this relationship. That you take care of each other physically and emotionally no matter what situation confronts you; caring about each other as much as you care about yourself. Sometimes you will sacrifice your wants and desires because you recognize that doing so is more important to the relationship than you getting what you want. There will be times of disagreement, but winning will be less important than finding the right answer for the two of you.

Caring about someone is so much more than an emotional feeling, but more the willingness to value your partner as an equal in your relationship. It is the development of a partnership, creating deep trust that you will always be there for each other; and that your actions and the way you live your life are always done so with consideration of your partner and their feelings. You no longer think of only yourself; all of your thoughts and actions have a component of considering how does this impact my spouse and how will they feel about it, and have I made more work for them and complicated their life.

To use a metaphor, truly caring about each other is like the mortar that holds the bricks together, it bonds the relationship together, to be strong in the face of the many storms that will assail it.

– by Dave Wieland

 

“Honey Doesn’t List” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

I’ve been making a long list of things my husband doesn’t do, does wrong, misses completely, fails to acknowledge or basically doesn’t do in a manner that pleases me for a couple of weeks. I’m scared to even write about this list. As a therapist, I know how dangerous “looking for problems” is to a relationship. John Gottman, renowned Psychologist and relationship researcher, calls this Negative Sentiment Override, a tendency overtime to interpret things more negatively. I know that this clouds my vision of what is going right, of how much he cares about me, and slowly eats away at my positive feelings towards him. I know that when we look for what is going wrong we rarely find what is going right.

 

Today, as I read one of the many self-help/psychology books that litter my nightstand, I had a brief thought. “What if I just pretended this list didn’t exist”… I went about my day, brushing the thought off as just wishful, irrational thinking. But like all good thoughts, it persisted and crept back into my consciousness as I mopped, as I refereed my toddlers, and again, as I folded laundry. “What if I pretended this list didn’t exist? What if I made a list of what’s going right? What if I let him love me without criticizing how he does it? What if…”

But again, because I am stubborn, I tried to push these good thoughts out of my head.

However, I noticed that even without doing anything, a smile had crept across my face. My mood seemed brighter. And the list of what my husband does to love and support me seemed to grow in my head. So, I decided to try an experiment. I sat down to write the lists. One list for all I think he does wrong and one for all he does right. Then I decided I probably needed a third list; a list for what he perceives he does to love me and care for our family.

 

As I wrote the list I noticed something. My list of what he does wrong was full of assumptions, generalities, and ambiguity. Whereas the list of what I think he does right was full of concrete examples of him trying to love me, of the many things he does everyday to care for our family, and how he tries to support me. The list I created of what I think he perceives as his acts of love and care was even longer. Again the smile crept over my face, and I felt my shoulders relax. I sat and looked at the three lists. I tried to be objective. I smiled.

 

And what I found was that on my list, I couldn’t “prove” many of the things I think he does wrong. Such as, I couldn’t prove that he doesn’t listen to me, and I couldn’t prove that he doesn’t like putting the kids to bed. My negative list was full of irrational thoughts- my negative interpretations of his actions.

 

Of course, since I am a therapist, I pondered the lists some more. I wondered about how the negativity had grown, and how I had missed so many good things, and why was I so quick to look for the problems. What I am just now starting to realize is that we (Me) have to be vigilant about protecting our thoughts. We have to be willing to use the Socratic method to double check to see if the thoughts (and the feelings behind them) are in fact true. And if they are not, then we have to look for a more realistic thought, maybe even some evidence, even if it means questioning our feelings.  We also have to actively search out the good, the things that are going right, and the positive intentions behind someone’s behavior.

 

So the list of what is going right is going on my fridge as a gentle, daily reminder of how much I am loved and supported. And tonight I will tell my husband thank you, even though he might not know all that went on in my head today. It was because of his love, support, devotion, and commitment that I was able to smile and let his love into my heart.

                                                                                                                        – by Lily Maino, M.S.

“The Four Letter Word….Fear” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

Fear stops us in our tracks. It makes us sweat, shake, and doubt. Fear is that four letter word that controls us. Even when we know there is nothing to be afraid of, it can make us back away from our dreams, postpone our goals, and keep us stuck! Fear is like a bad bully on the grammar school playground, making us change our direction, forcing us to give up our needs, leaving us lonely and full of doubt. 

 

So what happens, when as an adult we are overtaken by fear? Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of commitment. Fear of loss. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of death. 

I’m currently facing fear and quite frankly, I’d like to ignore the playground bully and hold my head high. But I find myself backing down. I’m letting the fear win; giving it power. As I back down the fear grows and I listen less to myself and more to the doubt. 

 

My fear is of the unknown. Fear of how it will all turn out. I want the blueprints so I can know which turns to take, where the risks are hidden, and how to navigate to the light at the end of the tunnel. Those blueprints don’t exist. 

 

So either I can put my goals on hold or I can face the fear with faith. Faith that I will be given the tools, that I will know which turns to take, and that I will have the patience and determination to see this through until completion. Faith to grow inside me to drowned out the destructive voice of fear. Faith to energize me, to motivate me, to keep my vision clear. 

 

Survival is not enough, so I will not let fear drive my life. My faith will conquer my fear, will provide for my strength and will allow me to do the work that I am called to do; to change lives and to live passionately by pursuing my dreams.

 

I know where I get my faith. Where do you get yours?

 

                                                                                                                 – by Lily Maino, M.S.

“How Can You Reach Out Today?” – by Kendra M. Silver, M.S., LPC

I had the wonderful opportunity today to be with a gentleman who is struggling with several different medical conditions and it left me thinking about life.

As I sat with him and listened to him recount the last several years the reoccurring theme of loneliness became obvious to me. He talked of sitting at home drinking his coffee and smoking his cigarettes.  The more I listen to him; he told me he is actually surrounded by family.  He has a daughter who lives in the same town he does.  He has a son who lives one town over and another daughter who lives less than an hour away.  He has seven grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.  Although his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are well within reach he described an excruciating loneliness.

The background information I had been given on this gentleman prepared me for a visit with a stubborn and grumpy man.  I was taken aback when I walked into the room and was greeted by a big smile when he heard who I was.  He quickly engaged in conversation and I found myself drawn into his stories.  I learned that he loved his job as an over the road truck driver and he still longs  to be out on the road again.  Somehow this gentle and kind man had lost his way into the deep recesses of depression.

I realized that even though he was surrounded by family he was able to isolate himself in debilitating loneliness without anyone being the wiser.  Even With family all around, he had been suffering alone. This loneliness morphed itself into a rather dark depression and deep sadness.

This encounter rattled me into wondering just how many people out there are suffering in isolated, silent depression.  Thankfully, this gentleman has been reconnected to his family and is now linked to several community resources.

What I have learned through my opportunity to be with this gentleman, is that we may not see how the tentacles of depression have spread into someone’s life.  It is critical for us to reach out to our family and friends who might be more isolated – just to check in, let them know they are cared for and not alone.

How can you reach out today? 

              – by Kendra M. Silver, M.S., LPC

“Difficult Conversations” – by Kendra M. Silver, M.S., L.P.C.

The long reception like table will be filled with Swiss Cake Rolls, banana peppers and pork rinds with Pepsi and Rock Star galore at your funeral! Throughout the room there will be displays of all your gadgets and creations for people to see.  People will share their favorite stories and memories – there will be tears mixed with lots of laughter.  This was my dream the night after attending a good friend’s funeral.  He was only 41.  I dreamt about how I would want to celebrate my husband’s life.

 

This weekend unfolded an opportunity for my husband and I to have some conversations we have long avoided.  You see, we have never really discussed (seriously) our wishes when we die, our expectations if we are not able to make medical decisions for ourselves, or what type of celebration/funeral we would like.  Although these are things we do not like to talk about we realized that we needed to have these conversations.  If we don’t have these conversations now it is left up to the person who is left in the most difficult time to have to make these decisions.

 

Along with the difficult conversations, we took the time to discuss our hopes and dreams for our future.  We realized that the old saying is true, “life is short”.  We have no idea when our earthly life will end.  As many people we wake up each day and do what we need to do to get through the day.  We talked about how we can slow down and consciously enjoy and be present in each day. While this is not our nature, we are both making an effort to do things differently before our time ends. 

 

I am happy to have known our friend. He truly did impact our lives while we had time with him.  I am happy to say he is also impacting our lives after his earthly life has ended.  I encourage you all to find ways to be present today, to enjoy the people in your lives, make your mark today and have the difficult conversations!  

 

-by Kendra M. Silver, M.S., L.P.C.

“Sandwich Generation” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

I’m a member of the sandwich generation. You know, the most stressed out generation in America that is trying to juggle professional careers, child rearing, and caring for our elderly parents. I’m not saying this to get your sympathy. I’m saying this because I am at a loss as to how to keep all the balls in the air from tumbling down on my head. In the past month I have taken my oldest son to look at colleges for next year, interviewed and researched kindergarten for our youngest daughter, dealt with three rounds of antibiotics for our toddler’s ear infections, taken my mother-in-law to the ER twice, scheduled my middle daughter for orthodontics, taken care of my husband after back surgery and all the while tried to keep my private practice afloat while I grade papers for the class I teach at a local University.
Something has to give.
My husband and I went out for our bimonthly “date” night this evening and just stared at each other. Not like we used to stare at each other but rather in that ‘hi, do I know you?’ searching sort of way because quite frankly we are ships passing in the night.
The problem is I don’t want to give anything up. I want to juggle all these balls- I want to be a dedicated and loving mom, an effective and genuine therapist, a caretaker and confidante to my aging mother-in-law, a well-spoken and organized professor, a smart and business savvy self-employed woman, a good friend and a great wife. And I admit that I want to do it all well! Not half-assed, not just get by. But really, authentically, well! I want to feel proud of the balls that I am juggling, and I’d like to look good while doing it.
But frankly, I don’t know how. I can’t find the manual. And what I do find tells me to take time for self-care. When? Between baths and feeding the dogs and throwing a load of mildewed laundry into the drier and eating my dinner standing at the kitchen counter? Where does that extra hour for me come from? I am not whining. I hate whiners! I just want someone to show me how.
I was born in the 1970s and my mom instilled this idea that I could have it all. And I want it all. I am not willing to give up on any of these roles; I have chosen this life. So, I ask you, how do we have it all, do it all, and have time to maintain our sanity and self-care?

– by Lily Maino, M.S.

“Hope for Today” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

This morning I attended a Hope for Today presentation by Marisa Martinez of the Alliance for Suicide Prevention. I know this is the happiest time of year and we are all eagerly anticipating the Holidays. And yet, from what I learned today, this is not the happiest time of year from some individuals. As a matter of fact, suicides increase after the holidays. In Larimer County, Colorado, alone there were 59 suicides to date. That number might not seem high, but compared to the 3 homicides in our county this year, it appears quite shocking to me.

 

As I left the presentation, I wonder what I could do to make a difference. I know that in my practice each day I work with individuals struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. But what about the people I don’t work with? How do I reach out to them?

 

Well, here goes.

 

Below I am going to provided some statistic from Marisa’s presentation:

• The highest suicide rate among any age group occurs among those age 65+

 

• There is one suicide among the elderly every 90 minutes
• (That could be your grandparents, aunts and uncles, so reach out to them this Holiday Season.)
• 22 veterans die by suicide each day in the United States and 950 veterans attempt suicide each month
• 7% of attempts by veterans are successful and 11% of veterans who don’t succeed the first time will try again

(Could that be your family member who is currently or has been in uniform?)

• Gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals have a higher rate of suicide attempts, than their heterosexual peers
• 41% of transgendered individuals have attempted suicide
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students, and the third leading cause of death among all people age 15-24
• Almost 10% of college students seriously consider attempting suicide

(This might be your high achieving college student who talks about the pressures of finals, fraternities, and relationships.)

• The risk of suicide in alcoholics is 50 to 70% higher than the general population.

 

So, now that it is the Holiday Season and you will be with you Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Family members who have served in our Armed Forces, young adult sons and daughters, and your LGBTQ relatives, those who might be drinking too much…. TALK about the real issues. Ask how they are. LISTEN to them talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. ASK  open, direct questions if you are concerned about them, and TAKE ACTION because preventing a crisis shows that you are care about them and provides hope, and in a crisis you might just save a life!

 

National Suicide Hotline CRISIS LINE                                 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Alliance for Suicide Prevention of Larimer County          970-482-2209

Please remember that this is the time of year to celebrate life; to be the light in the darkest night. My advice to you is to talk, listen, hug, and share the hope and love of the Season.

 

– by Lily Maino, M.S.

“Expectations” – by Kendra Silver, M.S., L.P.C.

As many of you know this year my family is doing an Advent Calendar that provided a family activity to do each day in hopes of becoming more connected.  I had such great expectations for this new tradition.  Yes expectations.  I am learning something about myself through this Advent tradition.  I have expectations for not only myself, but for my family as well.  Often these expectations are unrealistic, and, as I am learning, cause me great disappointment. 

 

As I was laying out the activities for each day of December, I was very mindful of the days the kids would be home and the days my husband and I would be alone.  I was also very mindful of the nights I would be working late and planned activities which required less effort on those nights to make it easier for my husband.  What I didn’t plan for is the unexpected change in plans, the kids wanting to hang out with friends, and oh yeah homework and finals!  I also am realizing it is taking a great deal of effort to make all of the activities happen – and after a long day at work the last thing I want to do is make Christmas cards!

 

I thought I was well prepared for last night’s adventure of making Christmas cards.  I had picked up all of the materials required, I had put dinner in the crockpot and I would be home at 6:15 to start the activity.  That was my expectation.  I received a call from my oldest son about midday to ask if he could go to the hockey game – ok he’s out of the activity.  An hour later I received a text from my younger son that he wanted to go to a friend’s house and could I pick him up on the way home.  Sure, I will pick him up at 6:30 and we can just start by 6:45.  After arriving home with the younger son at 6:45, I learned that my daughter was at her friend’s house eating dinner and would be home by 7:30. 

 

URGH!  I immediately went into disappointment mode.  I had expected that everyone would want the same thing I wanted – to spend time making Christmas cards together.

 

The reality set in that those were my hopes and not theirs.  I realized I need to re-evaluate my expectations and stop forcing them on those around me.  I need to be more flexible and allow myself to enjoy what is and not try to make it into something that is not. 

 

This is my new journey.  I am excited to see what happens; and I hope to learn to enjoy more, to feel disappointed less, and grow as a wife and mother.  

 

– by Kendra Silver, M.S., L.P.C.

“College Bound” – by Lily Maino, M.S.

This Thursday my son, Matt, and I fly back East to look at colleges. I am excited about our trip and looking forward to this one-on-one time, as it is rare in our family of 6 to get individual time with my kiddos. But he is not a kiddo anymore. He is more grown up at 17 years old than I was at 30. This will be our last mother-son adventure before he leaves home.

I keep thinking he’s going to have a great time away at college BUT he can’t leave home, I’ll miss him too much. The running joke in our house (though it is not funny at all) is that we are looking at these out of state colleges just to make him happy but he is actually going to go to college 3 miles from home at CSU.

 

I can’t bare the idea of not seeing him every day. For the past 17 years, he has been my constant. I have experienced changes in my marriages, in my career, moved across country three times, have lost loved ones, and given birth to three more children. Matt has been there through all those changes. I have talked to him every single day for the past 17 years. I have grown up with him.

 

I am not ready for this change. I know that he will do fine. I am not worried about him at all. He is mature, loving, strong, compassionate, thoughtful, and emotionally stable. He is my Buddha. So, I know that he will have his bumps and scrapes while away at college, but that he will thrive in any environment. I, on the other hand, might not do so well. And what about the rest of my family?  Matt’s younger sisters and brother adore him and are always happy to have their older brother’s attention. We will all miss him.

 

Actually on his first day of kindergarten I remember thinking that someday his first day of school wouldn’t include running into my arms and telling me all about what he’d learned. I have known this day was coming and yet I am still not ready. It’s not about “letting go”; it’s about the loss of him in my/our daily life.

Today I realize that as he ventures off to college, his absence will change our family. And though I will happy for him and so proud to see him head into adulthood – our family dynamics will never be the same. His sister won’t smile when he hands her a new book that he’s just finished or when he says, “Hey Bug, don’t smile.”  And his little brother won’t ask him to ride bikes in the driveway and then ask him, “Matt, where are your training wheels?” And when his littlest sister twirls in her tutu, her big brother won’t be there to tell her,  “You’re so pretty!” To which, she beams.

 

Since there is no manual for parenting and I feel like I am in uncharted water, I am doing what I know how to do. I am making a conscious effort to cherish every moment with him, to hug him often, to accept my own feelings, and to be present as we go through this process of change.

 

– by Lily Maino, M.S.